Never give up. If your owner (master, mommy/daddy) doesn’t get that you want to go out the first time you bring the leash, try and try again. And if he (or she) still ignores you, begin dancing around like a bee providing GPS directions for the hive. This will show him that it’s “high time” for a trip to the outside washroom. Remember you know the right “time”. You’re a watch dog.
If another dog goes near your dish, growl (practise this with the family cat). However, if a dog urinates on your owner’s leg, pretend you didn’t see a thing.
If you have had a disagreement with a dog bigger than you, hide behind your owner when you see that dog coming. If, like Bean, you actually nipped the dog because he stood over you and pretended to be in love, hide behind your bigger brother who will be hiding behind your owner.
If you actually had a fight with another dog (about your size), and nothing got settled during that dispute, insist on trying to get at that other dog every time you see him walking with his owner. Being the responsible dog owner, your owner will move off the walking trail into the brambles and thickets and will have to spend an hour getting burrs out of your fur. The other dog owner will have insisted on bringing you and your enemy as close together as possible. This other dog owner will smile and say “Nice evening isn’t it?” as he passes on the trail with his dog growling (uttering insults) at you. This will make you even more committed to getting at that s.o.b. the next time.
When it’s bath time, head for the hills.
When it’s grooming time, hide behind the Mugho pine that grew huge due to neglect. Ignore your owner when he says, “You could be more cooperative; groomers cost money you know.” Definitely turn the other cheek if he says, “Come here you little so and so. Who do you think buys your food?” He really doesn’t mean to lay on the guilt. He has just lost it because he trampled his wife’s prized tea rose. (Don’t forget to act fearful yourself when he catches it from the wife. It’s called moral support and shows how you really are man’s best friend. Tuck your tail between your legs and start to skulk away. That’ll make her wonder who did what. (It’s kind of like providing your owner with an alibi.)
When it’s time to go to the veterinarian, refuse to get in the car. At all other times, insist that you’re part of the family and should not be left behind. If they don’t get this, bark and jump in the door as they are existing the house. If they still don’t get it, howl the whole time they’re away. Make sure the neighbours hear.
When you finally get to the off-leash dog park, get in with the most disobedient dog there. Forget all your training. When your owner says “Come”, pretend you heard the word “Run”.
When you have gas, insist on sleeping on her side of the bedroom. That’ll teach her to disallow dogs on the bed. Rules, rules, rules. Who needs them? Also, never let on that pop actually takes you up on the bed when she’s away on business trips. (It would make her feel that any warm body will do.)
Oh yeh, and when she is away on those business trips, always tilt your head in that cute way so pop insists she talks to you over the phone even if all her co-workers are listening. Do the same when he calls to say he’s at a union meeting or having a beer with the guys from work. (This will show her that you aren’t playing favourites.)